Everything will be okay in the end, if it's not okay, it's not the end
by lanibapt
Summary: Set in 3x18 time line, Roller derby's case, Doris' issues and ... How a pigheaded seal succeed to manage his feelings or not... Fury, tantrum, angst...?


_Set in 3x18, for the story time... _

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_I don't own anything from Hawaii 5-0, except the billions things my brain imagine..._

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_Allow me to confess a little secret : i'm a McRoll, and a proud one! _

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_So time for my own show : Action !_

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* * *

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Steve was on edge.

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Or, more exactly, his nerves were on edge.

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- **_HOW DARED SHE?!_** He erupted while crashing his fit in the wall, not far from the strong box.

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He needs fresh air, fresh thoughts… alcohol to dig his anger in it. But...He can't, not with such a current case.

He climbs in his truck and tries to put off some of his tension, driving faster and faster and faster …

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His mind is a mess.

While images and words keep flashing in his head, he remembers Danny's words, few days after their first "on guns" encounter.

Yes his brain is such a mess. Now, more, than ever before.

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* * *

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Suddenly he realizes he was on his lanai, his safer place on earth. Three days later. He closes his eyes, his mind messier than the day he was just remembering.

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He puts his open palms on his face, but the stone reminds in his stomach. Will he ever be able to breathe correctly again, without this ache in his chest?

He heard a noise and realizes his mother shall be aware he was back. His luck! Mother, really?

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He spreads his hand in his hair.

Infuriating.

His father was a man of few words.

So he is.

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That means that each and every word has a special meaning, not to be wasted. Not to be used to lie.

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To impress: yes.

To threaten: often, as being a seal or the head of a taskforce.

But no lie. Never.

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That's what he was told.

As a little boy.

As a son.

As a brother.

As a recruit.

As a seal.

As a commander.

As a friend.

As a lover? Has he ever been?

.

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He closes his eyes. He doesn't want to answer that for days, now. And if he wants to be really honest with himself, he doesn't want to wonder for years now. Since the day he left her at once.

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_A morning in Coronado. When he was going to his first mission to nowhere. Saying her he will call her back, stay in touch …_

_His words hadn't sound like a promise._

_And they both knew it wasn't._

_It couldn't._

_It hadn't been for two years. Until the day he heard her voice again. She was his angel. His force had fallen in a bad bad trap. Thanks to a traitor. Later the little pest pleaded guilty, trying to justify his behavior. He had bills to pay …_

Steve shakes his head.

But it wasn't enough to bring him back in the present. His mind is powerless. His heart seems to want him to remember what he had felt in hearing her voice, once again.

.

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_In a second, she was more than a picture in his head._

_She became his mermaid._

_The reason he had to fight harder, to be a better seal, a better commander, anything. No matters the number of their attackers, the tiredness, the lack of weapons._

_._

_So had he be, the mercenary with knifes and bare hands._

_And he went back to the ship._

_To her._

_Two days later._

_He was a mess. Covering of dusts, blood, and god knows what._

_._

_There she was. On the flight deck. Head high._

_They can't talk to each other in such circumstances. They can't really smile either._

_But while he was walking toward the soldiers, followed by his unit, who were there for them, he had failed to provide himself from searching her eyes. He has been deaf to the congratulations, cheers …_

_Nothing had mattered but ..._

_Brown chocolate eyes._

_The eyes which taunts him in his dreams._

_His ground to go back to life. Always._

_._

_Through hell and highwater, he would always go back for her._

_Lieutenant Catherine ROLLINS._

_Cath._

_His Cath._

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* * *

_._

But was she really his?

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* * *

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He jumps, feeling his mother hand on his shoulder. Doris' hand.

She smiles to him.

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He notices a cup of tea in her other hand. Tea! She had offered him one cup when he found out in Japan.

A fucking cup of tea.

He was no longer a little boy, a teenager who likes to cuddle on the couch while sipping tea, on rainy or just lazy days.

No longer.

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Not since her "death". The D day.

Mary's and his departure to the continent. Los Angeles and Annapolis.

Because of her, his sister and he, are not siblings anymore. Until few months ago, he hadn't seen his little Mare for years. He could hardly remember the last time he talked to her on phone.

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Danno's rambling may have helped him. To open up to her. To be there for here and not only in the too protective or too "bossy" way.

That hurts.

That hurts so much, not to know how to speak to his little sister anymore. To realize what he had done to her. What she had to face without her brother's shoulder.

She no longer yells: YOU ROCK! by the side of the football field.

Will she ever do it again?

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* * *

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He hears his m..., Doris, clears her throat.

He sighs and turns his face to her. Without a word. He doesn't want to make it easy for her.

He's tired to feel like a fool.

He doesn't want to speak to her after the conversation they had before he went to the funerals. Mangosta and …

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**_- She cares about you, so much … She ...She loves you._**

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He turns his head to the sea. There were waves. He can smell the waves, feel the wind on his face, but can't manage to feel the peace.

Even there.

And even as such pigheaded as he can be, he deeply knows that, there has nothing to do with his "mother issues".

He stands.

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- **_You don't know what you are talking about. So … do … not… talk!_**

- **_Steve_**_ …_

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He turns to face her.

She has the courtesy to seem sorry. Good actress. Or not?

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He realizes, right now, he doesn't care.

He doesn't want to wonder, to mess his mind with thousand and thousand questions about what she is still doing in his back. Who she may have also corrupted. Kono? Chin?

After Joe …Mick ... And Cath…

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He feels a pang in his chest. Bittersweet memories.

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Doris was rambling on and on and on about Catherine, about the fact that he shouldn't...

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– **_Shouldn't ?_**

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Steve can't believe it.

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– **_Seriously ? ! I'm not a child caught smoking in the backyard ! You lied to me, you make …_**

**_._**

He swallows the bump in his throat.

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– **_You make Cath...erine lied to me..._**

– **_Steve …_**

– **_WHAT ? I dare you to say that i'm wrong !_**

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His tone was harsh.

Doris doesn't how to deal with such a Steve. John had ever been so quiet. Persistent, stubborn but quiet... So was his little boy.

Shy and … She closes her eyes.

Now he's only hurt.

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– **_But you are._**

**_._**

She keeps her head high, and her eyes deep in her son's ones.

He sighs.

She puts her fists on her lips.

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– **_She just wanted to prevent you from worrying about nothing… She …_**

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Steve turns his back to her, fixing his gaze on the sea.

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– **_Steven ! Don't screw it up !_**

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She sees her son's shoulders straighten.

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– **_Steve ? Where …?_**

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She doesn't finish her sentence. It was useless. Her son was already gone...

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* * *

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Steve feels sicker every minute.

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_"Got married this weekend"... "father"... "girl"... "smoothdog"..."Lieutenant Rollins"..."What's going on?"... "Don't screw it up"... "Go now!"... "Tell her, her daddy loves her"... "i love you champ"... "You owe me diner"... "What's that smile?"... "Ramboette"... "Morning Commander".._.

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And three days earlier :

"_Steve, I .._.".

"_You should live Catherine … Now"_... _"I can't see Catherine"_... the gun shot... "_Here_"...

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The funerals this afternoon. "_Protective"... "Even when I don't know I needed to be protected"_... The girl's words rush in his head.

The girl, Crimson, she mourns her friend, a beloved friend. A friend who had loved her, truly, even against the girl's will.

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He needs to stop the car before he crashes. The dizziness keeps growing, making him sicker with each memory...

Cath.

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She just tried to protect him. She failed.

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He screws it up.

Badly.

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He didn't say a word to her earlier. He didn't say a word to her since the coach's arrest. She could have been hurt.

He could have lost her.

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He can't go on like this. He stops the trucks near "their" rocky place. Where he met her, the first day on the island after she "rescued" him, two years and few days after his "run away".

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There was a car in front of him.

A blue one. A so familiar one.

.

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She used to be his mermaid, is she his mirage now ?

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With cautions, he goes out of his car and walks to her. Slowly. Compelled. He felt the air exit his lungs, the closer he got to her.

She is so beautiful, still dress in black, her windy hair, and her gaze lost in the sea...

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His heart aches when he discovers her teary cheeks.

He fights his own body and does his best to remember how to breath.

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And then, she turns her face to him.

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– **_I'm so sorry Steve, I … I should have told you …_**

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He can't let her go on. He can't stay away from her any longer. That hurts so much. He cups her face and leans to kiss her.

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The sweetest kiss, ever. Slowly he opens his eyes, there she is, so close to him. He manages to come back to her. Another time.

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He hugs her, tightly. A boa constrictor embrace. His nose in the crook of her neck.

He feels safe.

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* * *

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So ... I must call it the end for now ...

What do you think ?

Please, allow me to know by leaving a review, i dare you. Share your thoughts, your feelings, and perhaps your bet on their future here ...

Talk to you laters !


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